This experiment we are venturing on to rid our home of entitlement is hitting very close to my heart because as much as I see it in my kids I see it all the more in myself.
I'm greedy, covetous, immature, selfish and lazy. I want my own way when I want it and how I want it and because I am an "adult" I've learned to mask it in a socially acceptable way and declare it as "my thing".... Oh the disgusting nature of my own humanity.
We just recently had very dear lifetime friends visit us. They have just returned from living in a 3rd world country where they resided for more than 5 years working and living with the native people. When they moved there they were going with their two small boys, the youngest turned a year old on the plane ride over. They were leaving a very successful job, many, many friends, and family, a comfortable home, beautiful furnishings, a nice car and relative comfort. They were moving their family of 4 to a country that lacked almost all of those things. They were going where it was not uncommon to face disease, malaria was rampant in parts of this nation. The lack of running water and electricity was common, and physical safety from thieves and dangerous situations was not guaranteed.
They were literally laying down their lives for something they felt was worth dying for. They were truly living.
While they were there they didn't live in a posh apartment, or enjoy luxury, they lived with the native people. They ate like the natives ate and lived like they lived. Their children were not immune to the environment, they faced life threatening illnesses manifesting in their bodies. At times it was a true struggle of life and death, literally! You might expect their kids to come out of something like that and be scarred, but the life we saw coming out of this family was powerful. The children were confident in their parents love. They were very loving toward each other. The husband and wife were solid in their relationship, but even more importantly they were made strong in their trials.
Our kids face a different life. A life we as a family have been called to. Our life will look different but if I may be so bold, we are facing a giant of our own here in America and although it looks quite different from the giant they faced overseas, it is just as deadly.
As a new mom I thought it was my job to protect my child from as many of the hard knocks of life as I could. I thought that seeing my child struggle was a bad thing and I needed to smooth out the road ahead of him to make sure he didn't have to struggle the way I had struggled. Now some of that is true. A good decision often makes our lives easier than a bad decision, but like just about everything we take it too far. I don't want my child to get hurt so I make them wear elbow, knee, shin and head gear so that he won't hurt something, scrape something or break something. We jump in and settle every dispute between siblings and friends so that no one gets their feelings hurt.
Personally I think a skinned knee and some "skinned feelings" are far better teachers than any "protection" I could offer as a mom.
I want to propose that just as a butterfly must struggle out of it's cocoon in order to work up the "muscle" it needs to fly once it's out, we as parents need to have a healthy sense of pulling back and letting our kids make mistakes, get hurt, and banged up. I propose that these daily struggles in the safe environment of a healthy home is more than just good, it's essential!
One way we do this at our house is by presenting choices at every single turn. Everyone who can walk and speak in our home gets to make a million decisions everyday and if I make all those decisions for them they will be great followers, but poor leaders. "Do you want ice cream or brownies?" "Do you want to go to bed now or in 5 minutes?" "Do you want to sweep or vacuum?" "Do you want to decide or do you want me to decide for you?" We have found that it not only limits my work, but it causes my kids to begin thinking for themselves. It takes the drill sergeant roll out of my repertoire and returns me to the place of helping grow thinkers instead of robots.
I want my kids to learn how to fly and to help others fly around them.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Epidemic
There is an experiment brewing in our house. If you are a parent of any child older than the age of 3 you have probably heard the "buzz" word that is floating around among parents, psychologists, teachers, really anyone that has regular interaction with young people.
Entitlement.
It's the new epidemic that is sweeping a whole generation, possibly more than one generation, and causing widespread concern. It's truly as lethal as your dreaded diseases. The symptoms are clear and can be deadly. Thankfully there is a cure.
Now before I lay out the problem, let me brag about my kids for a minute. My boys ages 11 and 9 are very kind, loving kids. They adore their sisters ages 3 and 8 months. The boys regularly pick them up, play with them and help feed them. They have begun to learn how to recognize what needs to be done and then do it. They have been known to go above and beyond the call of duty when asked to clean their room they have actually cleaned several rooms without promise of reward. I am immensely proud of my children, but I also understand that we are swimming upstream in this culture. and our goal isn't just to raise responsible adults, our goal is to raise world changers.
As parents of 4 amazing creatures we have seen this ugly monster in our home. Our 11 and 9 year old are affected by it more than our 3 year old. As I watch my 8 month old, helpless, adorable, totally dependent on us for everything from getting from here to there, to filling her belly with good food, it dawns on me that my other three are oddly similar to her with some minor differences. For the sake of this blog we'll focus on the older two.
The epidemic of entitlement causes these able bodied young men to quake with fear at the idea of having to help around the house in most ways. Cleaning their own room sounds like a death sentence, (I tend to agree with them on that one) having to do anything "extra" above the two or three assigned chores is unbearably brutal after a grueling day of sitting in the classroom and playing at recess. The thought of having the precious screens that they bow down and pay homage to regularly unplugged, turned off, or destroyed completely is akin to being sentenced to having ones limbs removed with a butter knife.
As loving, remarkably amazing parents we refuse to let this epidemic proceed any further in our home. Therefore we are embarking on a daring, ground breaking, possibly insane adventure. Our goal is to rid our home completely of the entitlement epidemic and hopefully come out of this adventure with all 4 kids alive, healthy, and ready to be loving, thinking, self motivated, participants in society.
I'm going to venture to lay down the groundwork for our experiment. I'll explain the symptom and then the possible solution:
Symptom #1- Laziness. The idea that only adults have to work and everyone that is called a child, tween, teen or even young adult doesn't have to do anything but be served.
Solution- WORK! Seems pretty simple. They will learn how to do laundry, including folding and putting the clothes away. They will learn how to properly wash a car, mow a lawn, sweep a garage. They will know how to vacuum the entire house and mop a kitchen. Essentially, if the experiment works, they will be self sufficient in many ways. They will go from being takers, to being givers.
Also, the term "tween" is illegal in our home. I find that the common use of this term is used not just to refer to an age but to describe a time in life that is filled with self serving laziness. Most of the time when I hear this term it is used to describe a time in life where the bearer of the said title wants more freedom but not more responsibility. Therefore, we will only be known as children who have very limited freedom and responsibility or young adults who have more freedom but also considerably more responsibility.
Symptom #2- Somehow thinking it is their "right" to get to have fun regardless of cost. Our kids want to go to a popular theme park this summer, one that every child dreams of going to, one that every parent would love to take their child to, the only problem is that we would only be able to take one of them because the other 3 would have to be sold in order to pay for the first child to go.
Solution- Increased awareness of the cost of everyday living. We are going to put our children in charge of their own garden this summer. We are going to create an environment similar to a 3rd world country. A substantial part of our income goes to food. Our kids are great eaters, I'm not complaining about that at all, the only problem is they think it is their duty, and right to eat not only when they are "hungry" but to also eat when they are bored, sad, lazy or undistracted. We are therefore going to save money and raise funds to go to our desired theme park by cutting down on the grocery bill.
The proposal: We expose our kids to the true needs of a family in a 3rd world country. We associate with their lifestyle in a limited way for a whole month. We only eat rice and beans and whatever the kids can grow in their garden for one month. We take the money we will save on groceries and we divide it in half. We use half of the money to give to the family we are associating with and then our family will use the other half to earn part of the money we need to get into the theme park. We will cut out all the "extras" all month. No special treats, no eating out, we will finish the food in our cupboard and then eat only what is grown along with rice and beans.
Problem #3- The incredible dependence on electronic devices for entertainment and the insane lack of ability to use their imaginations.
Solution: To save brain cells and create the ability to think, dream and imagine again. All screen time will disappear for the month. No DS games, no computer time, no movies, no video games of any kind and no TV! The kids will have to play with their non - electronic toys. They will be challenged to build with real tools and to practice instruments. To draw with paper and pencil and fine tune artistic skills. The words "I'm bored" will be banned from our home and if used will be punishable by more work.
I am guardedly excited about our experiment. I know the withdrawals will be intense. The whining, tears, regular complaining will increase for a time. We are prepared for that. Our goal isn't that this would just last for a month and then life as usual would return, but that we could inspire our kids with true life heroes that didn't settle for status quo and relegate their lives to look like the rest of their generation, but that they can actually look different, act different, be different and become world changers.
I think we might do just that.
Entitlement.
It's the new epidemic that is sweeping a whole generation, possibly more than one generation, and causing widespread concern. It's truly as lethal as your dreaded diseases. The symptoms are clear and can be deadly. Thankfully there is a cure.
Now before I lay out the problem, let me brag about my kids for a minute. My boys ages 11 and 9 are very kind, loving kids. They adore their sisters ages 3 and 8 months. The boys regularly pick them up, play with them and help feed them. They have begun to learn how to recognize what needs to be done and then do it. They have been known to go above and beyond the call of duty when asked to clean their room they have actually cleaned several rooms without promise of reward. I am immensely proud of my children, but I also understand that we are swimming upstream in this culture. and our goal isn't just to raise responsible adults, our goal is to raise world changers.
As parents of 4 amazing creatures we have seen this ugly monster in our home. Our 11 and 9 year old are affected by it more than our 3 year old. As I watch my 8 month old, helpless, adorable, totally dependent on us for everything from getting from here to there, to filling her belly with good food, it dawns on me that my other three are oddly similar to her with some minor differences. For the sake of this blog we'll focus on the older two.
The epidemic of entitlement causes these able bodied young men to quake with fear at the idea of having to help around the house in most ways. Cleaning their own room sounds like a death sentence, (I tend to agree with them on that one) having to do anything "extra" above the two or three assigned chores is unbearably brutal after a grueling day of sitting in the classroom and playing at recess. The thought of having the precious screens that they bow down and pay homage to regularly unplugged, turned off, or destroyed completely is akin to being sentenced to having ones limbs removed with a butter knife.
As loving, remarkably amazing parents we refuse to let this epidemic proceed any further in our home. Therefore we are embarking on a daring, ground breaking, possibly insane adventure. Our goal is to rid our home completely of the entitlement epidemic and hopefully come out of this adventure with all 4 kids alive, healthy, and ready to be loving, thinking, self motivated, participants in society.
I'm going to venture to lay down the groundwork for our experiment. I'll explain the symptom and then the possible solution:
Symptom #1- Laziness. The idea that only adults have to work and everyone that is called a child, tween, teen or even young adult doesn't have to do anything but be served.
Solution- WORK! Seems pretty simple. They will learn how to do laundry, including folding and putting the clothes away. They will learn how to properly wash a car, mow a lawn, sweep a garage. They will know how to vacuum the entire house and mop a kitchen. Essentially, if the experiment works, they will be self sufficient in many ways. They will go from being takers, to being givers.
Also, the term "tween" is illegal in our home. I find that the common use of this term is used not just to refer to an age but to describe a time in life that is filled with self serving laziness. Most of the time when I hear this term it is used to describe a time in life where the bearer of the said title wants more freedom but not more responsibility. Therefore, we will only be known as children who have very limited freedom and responsibility or young adults who have more freedom but also considerably more responsibility.
Symptom #2- Somehow thinking it is their "right" to get to have fun regardless of cost. Our kids want to go to a popular theme park this summer, one that every child dreams of going to, one that every parent would love to take their child to, the only problem is that we would only be able to take one of them because the other 3 would have to be sold in order to pay for the first child to go.
Solution- Increased awareness of the cost of everyday living. We are going to put our children in charge of their own garden this summer. We are going to create an environment similar to a 3rd world country. A substantial part of our income goes to food. Our kids are great eaters, I'm not complaining about that at all, the only problem is they think it is their duty, and right to eat not only when they are "hungry" but to also eat when they are bored, sad, lazy or undistracted. We are therefore going to save money and raise funds to go to our desired theme park by cutting down on the grocery bill.
The proposal: We expose our kids to the true needs of a family in a 3rd world country. We associate with their lifestyle in a limited way for a whole month. We only eat rice and beans and whatever the kids can grow in their garden for one month. We take the money we will save on groceries and we divide it in half. We use half of the money to give to the family we are associating with and then our family will use the other half to earn part of the money we need to get into the theme park. We will cut out all the "extras" all month. No special treats, no eating out, we will finish the food in our cupboard and then eat only what is grown along with rice and beans.
Problem #3- The incredible dependence on electronic devices for entertainment and the insane lack of ability to use their imaginations.
Solution: To save brain cells and create the ability to think, dream and imagine again. All screen time will disappear for the month. No DS games, no computer time, no movies, no video games of any kind and no TV! The kids will have to play with their non - electronic toys. They will be challenged to build with real tools and to practice instruments. To draw with paper and pencil and fine tune artistic skills. The words "I'm bored" will be banned from our home and if used will be punishable by more work.
I am guardedly excited about our experiment. I know the withdrawals will be intense. The whining, tears, regular complaining will increase for a time. We are prepared for that. Our goal isn't that this would just last for a month and then life as usual would return, but that we could inspire our kids with true life heroes that didn't settle for status quo and relegate their lives to look like the rest of their generation, but that they can actually look different, act different, be different and become world changers.
I think we might do just that.
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