Please.... fence me in!

My house has a really nice fence, but only in the backyard. It's tall and sturdy and keeps us from curious neighbors and stray dogs. I love my fence.

My front yard, however, lacks a fence.... it also lacks grass in large patches, but that is mostly because there is no fence. You see the neighbor kids love our yard because it's a great place to play football, so they've worn down the grass. There are days where I will drive around and drool over beautiful homes with sweet little fences that clearly mark their boundaries and admire their luscious grass and sigh....

I love fences.

We used to live in a neighborhood that had common grounds throughout. No fences, anywhere. It caused a beautiful open feel to the neighborhood and really nice people came through once a week to mow our lawn. It had it's perks, but if you wanted to grow a garden you were basically out of luck unless you got your own planters. Telling our kids to go play in the yard got tricky too. Where the boundary lines began and ended were totally obscure and up for debate. On good days it was strange on bad days it was troublesome, especially if your neighbor didn't want your kids playing in their yard.

I heard of an experiment done a while back on elementary aged children. They sent the children out to play on a playground without a fence and no clear boundary lines, the outcome was very interesting. The children tended to congregate toward the school or in the center of the playground. Very few wanted to wander to the edges.

Fences mark safety.

In ancient times when our ancestors were establishing a new land they would mark their land with stones. Deuteronomy even lays out the punishment if someone were to move a boundary stone. The use of the singular in this scripture causes me to think that it was nothing more than four stones marking the four corners of ones property. In times of peace I'm sure that was all that was needed. As time went on however the people began inhabiting lands that were in the midst of their enemies and so their simple boundary stones became insufficient in keeping them safe. The stones became high, thick walls with barred gates that were virtually impenetrable. Whole cities were surrounded by these walls and they were very effective in keeping the inhabitants safe.

All of us have boundary stones around our lives. Every single relationship you have has a boundary. Some boundaries are simply stones that mark your comfort zone. Those you love the most and are closest to you know those stones well and will respect them and love you within those boundaries.

There are other relationships that require a fence.

Some fences are short and you can see over the top of them and have a decent conversation around them. They don't keep out prying eyes, but they do require a little more effort to cross.

Then there is the tall fence you can't see over with a locking gate. One can only gain access by asking the other to unlock the gate from the inside. These fences are more common and I think most of us have these fences around most of our relationships.

Then there is the wall. The high, thick wall with barbed wire and armed guards. These are also necessary. Hopefully not as common.

Each relationship will have a constant re-evaluation of it's boundaries. Some may require a smaller fence as time goes on. Unfortunately the opposite is true as well.

Now if you are a healthy person you take good care of your boundary markers. You foster  your relationships and are clear about where your boundaries are and where they are not. But many times our boundaries fall into disrepair and it becomes very unclear to others as well as ourselves where our boundaries are. When this happens we feel very out of control and quite easily overwhelmed. No one knows where your boundaries are so they may accidentally step over the line or stub their toe on a hidden marker and cause distress to the relationship unintentionally.

Learning about healthy boundaries requires clear communication.... sometimes.

I'm teaching my three year old about creating her own healthy boundaries. There are two elements to this task with kids. Understanding that they need proper instruction as to what a healthy boundary even is is key, but letting them express those boundaries in an individual and healthy way is such an important element in raising healthy, creative, thinking individuals.

Grace has a very clear "I do it myself" boundary.  Something neither of my boys had. I cherish this about her. Today her "I do it myself" attitude came out with her princess dress on backwards. I had to decide if I would cross that boundary line and "fix" it or let her sweet independence shine through and protect our relationship enough to let it be. I decided on the latter. I want her to know I care more about the fact that she did it herself than I do about looking like the most together mom. After informing her that it was backwards and her shoes were on the wrong feet she politely told me she was ok with that... I got to be ok with that too.

There is another element to boundaries. Psalm 16 says "Your boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places"... this indicates that the LORD marks our boundary lines for us too. Children have to be taught where the boundaries are. If they aren't taught they will make unclear, irrational, and unhealthy boundaries. We've all seen that way too often. Many parents fall victim to the lie that clear boundaries for our kids creates clone like children and in order to foster their "free spirit" we need to just let them come up with all their own boundaries, eventually.... the illustration of the fenced playground is a clear picture of how unprotected that makes kids feel.

The balance between teaching clear boundaries and letting them figure it out is such a sweet part of the parent / child relationship. Just as our Heavenly Father marks some things very clearly and others he lets us figure out... what better teacher is trial and error.

There are parts of me that wishes He would lay out every decision I have to make and just tell me what to do everytime. He graciously says "I don't know what do you think you should do?" After I freak out and express my fear of making the wrong decision I realize as a loving Heavenly Father he is letting me  grow up and I have to trust his silence as much as his instruction.

Sometimes wisdom is loud and clear.... Sometimes it is quietly watching in anticipation as we take a step of faith and trust the silent, watchful eye of our loving Father.

Confessions of a wannabe perfectionist

In our house we strive for perfection.

This may surprise many of you that know me because I am not a perfectionist in most senses of the word. My house is hardly ever totally clean, I will gaze at a dirty sink for days before I get fed up and clean it, I can turn a blind eye to the stains in my carpet for months and I don't even remember the last time my boys made their beds. As for ironing.... that happens maybe twice a year... sorry mom.

My house is not perfect, my appearance is not perfect, my children are not perfect, my husband is not perfect. I'm not striving for outward perfection but an inward perfection.

Let me explain.

We are facing quite a storm in our family. One of our most important members is battling for life. It's a battle that has lasted for years. The battle ebbs and flows. Sometimes it is extremely intense, sometimes we feel a bit of relief and can take a breath. Somedays it feels so intense like one wave after another pounding our boat.

Our story is not unique. Everyone faces storms. Guaranteed. If you are alive and have been alive for more than a few years you have faced storms. Some storms are bigger than others. Not many people like these kinds of storms. They are hard, exhausting, overwhelming and sometimes debilitating.

I've come to have a different view of these kinds of storms.

James 1 in my bible says: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds...."

Ummm.. Joy? Really James? Joy? Didn't you mean consider it pure torture? Maybe pure frustration? Pure hell? Surely you didn't mean Joy!

Yep, Joy!! I'm getting there.

As you read further in James 1 he explains why trials = joy.... "because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

This word trial is closely related to the word temptation but with a very important difference. I found this quote as I was studying this.

"The difference between a trial or test and a temptation is found in the testers motivations and expectation; the devil tempts that the believer might fail God's standards of faith and so sin; God tests that he might determine and sharpen true character, with no focus on making the believer fail."(zondervan exhaustive NIV concordance)

James goes on to say later in chapter one "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

You see this word perfect can also be translated "mature". These storms are good!!! They are developing one of the most profoundly effective and important skills any human can acquire, perseverance!

To stay, remain, live, dwell, abide.... to have the ability to stick around, to see something through to the end, even if the end is no where in sight. It's the stuff of headlines. No one wants to stick around anymore. Hollywood has decided to immortalize these people whose lives are a picture of anything but perseverance, both on and off the screen. Their lives show it too! They are selfish, living from one shallow relationship to another. They are longing for pleasure but never truly finding it because they are deceived into thinking pleasure is found in serving yourself. They lack maturity in every way.

Then there are these stories of people who stuck around. Heroes! The ones that stayed with their spouse who was suffering a terrible disease that left them incapacitated. The soldier that wouldn't leave their dying friend on the battle field. The mother that chose life for her child that would be born without limbs even though she knew he would face incredible odds and now her full grown son is changing the world with his message of hope.

I'm not afraid of these storms anymore. They are hard, they are life draining, they are exhausting. BUT they are also perfecting! These trials are making us perfect and the Lord is using them to make us mature, to sharpen us so that when we come out the other side we will actually have something to give the ones around us who will surely face their own storms.

That is heroic, that is the perfection I am striving for.