Grief comes in stages. Sweet grace from the moment we needed to say goodbye but the dull ache we have felt for weeks is turned into a throbbing pain as the reality of the "new normal" sets in and his chair stands empty. His quiet prayers for his grandchildren go unspoken now waiting for the next generation to pick up the mantle of intercessor.
The Bible says in the book of Matthew, "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted". I never understood that verse. It seems very obvious to me... sure, if I mourn, I will be comforted, I will pick up the pieces, I will move on. However, I realized this truth that is a reality for me isn't necessarily a reality for many. It takes vulnerability to allow yourself to be comforted. I've seen people who have experienced bad things that never, ever recover. They wear their pain like a badge and grow bitter, resentful and impossible to live with. Then I've seen people live through the most impossible circumstances imaginable and they come through it and not only live, but learn to love again, and truly be alive! What is the difference? I'm convinced it was the process of loving, losing, grieving, and then being comforted.
The feeling in our hearts after Dad died was similar to the physical pain that happens when you wear a bandage on an open wound too long and the bandage actually sticks to the wound and once removed, makes the wound bleed a new and have to heal again. There was a ripping that happened when we released Dad to the LORD. In fact our hearts and lives were ripped in a way that will never be the same again. It hurts! A LOT! Do I want to hide from the pain, sometimes. Do I want to risk loving again, yes! Part of me wants to cling tightly to my husband, mom, kids and family members. I want to be with them all the time as if my very presence will keep them here. Then the Holy Spirit slowly pries my fingers off and lovingly reminds me that I'm delusional and only He can protect like that.
Then He reminds me of Psalm 62 "one thing have you spoken, two things have I heard. That you O God are loving and that you O God are strong." If we trust the LORD because He is loving only we will still live with the delusion that we are the protectors. If we only understand that He is strong then we will be prone to blame him for the bad things that happen declaring his goodness is tainted with a sick power trip. One without the other will only cause us to become disheartened. BUT, when those two truths are married, we become an unstoppable force with the LORD.
The world hates pain. We dull pain in every way imaginable because pain is horrible. But God designed pain to be married to love. He made it so the one goes with the other. With great love comes great pain. Love and Pain are the two strongest emotions of a human being. They both indicate that we are alive. I never understood why someone would start cutting themselves. Now I know that some of these people who hurt themselves intentionally are so full of the dulling influences of our culture and so devoid of true love that the next strongest sensation is pain, it hurts but at least they feel alive.
Many sabotage love at every turn because in essence they are afraid to feel pain. As a result they never truly live and experience the fullness of life. They settle for an imitation that isn't even close to the real thing. This is one reason abortion is so common in our culture.
I admit I'm not a fan of pain. I'd rather not hurt. But in this season where grief is my cloak, I wear it not for attention, not because I'm morbid, but because I loved well and was loved well in return.
True love feels pain.
Our pain is good because it means we have experienced the closest thing to heaven on earth.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Where do I begin?
There are weeks where we live day in and day out and nothing seems like it will ever change. Same old routine, same schedule, same meals to plan, same plans to fulfill.... Then there are those days that are game changers. We usually don't get to know they are coming or even that they have arrived until they are upon us and we find out what we are really made up of.
We will all face these kinds of days. Days that start out ordinary, just getting up, beginning the routine but eventually a wrench is thrown in the plans and the day quickly shifts to something different, something FAR from ordinary. Those are the days where you will quickly find out if you are a wise steward of your inner life or a foolish one.
One of those days happened to me just 11 short days ago. My Dad has battled cancer very bravely for 7 years and although he was declining we were still filled with great faith that the end of the battle would look a certain way. When a battle ends and it looks quite different than you imagined it would, what do you do? Where do you put your feet? Who do you look to?
Just 11 short days ago I got to sit beside my Dad as he was quickly and painlessly ushered into the presence of the LORD. I have never been with someone when they died. Never seen the process end so suddenly. I can say without reservation it was the single most amazing experience of my entire life. Too precious to discuss in detail here.
Although the battle ended much differently than I imagined we were struck with the amazing peace we had. There is something incredibly wonderful about seeing someone who was suffering so terribly for so long, peacefully walk from this world into the next.
Several things have happened in this process.
First of all, I have never felt such a clear shift from one season to the next as I did that very moment. It was as real as if I had seen a hand move to the page of my life and turn it, writing the title of the next chapter on the blank sheet in front of me. I knew we were facing something brand new and nothing would ever be the same. Not good, not bad just very, very different.
Second, there were scripture verses that came to life in ways I've never experienced. Ones I had memorized and quoted at different times all my life that became more real than ever. "The peace of God that passes understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus"... That scripture became like a blanket wrapped around us.
Third there was a sweet sense of peace because the LORD walked with us so closely. As the battle for Dad's health began intensifying I told the LORD, no matter how this battle ends, I don't want to have any regrets. So I made some intentional decisions in that season that kept me constantly living in the moment, pressing in for healing for my Dad. When it was all said and done I was able to say with intense peace that I have no regrets because we lived everyday in relationship with the LORD.
Heaven is more real to me now than ever before. I can't explain it. I just know I want to go, when it's time and I want to take as many people with me as I can. I find myself thinking of things that were foremost in my mind a day or two ago have now moved off the front burner and been replaced by things that didn't occupy more than a passing thought before.
We are on a journey. One that has just begun. It's thrilling, uncertain, overwhelming, but ends in the best possible way if we choose to do it right. Everything has been flipped and turned and scattered and rearranged and it is the sweetest chaos I've ever experienced.
We will all face these kinds of days. Days that start out ordinary, just getting up, beginning the routine but eventually a wrench is thrown in the plans and the day quickly shifts to something different, something FAR from ordinary. Those are the days where you will quickly find out if you are a wise steward of your inner life or a foolish one.
One of those days happened to me just 11 short days ago. My Dad has battled cancer very bravely for 7 years and although he was declining we were still filled with great faith that the end of the battle would look a certain way. When a battle ends and it looks quite different than you imagined it would, what do you do? Where do you put your feet? Who do you look to?
Just 11 short days ago I got to sit beside my Dad as he was quickly and painlessly ushered into the presence of the LORD. I have never been with someone when they died. Never seen the process end so suddenly. I can say without reservation it was the single most amazing experience of my entire life. Too precious to discuss in detail here.
Although the battle ended much differently than I imagined we were struck with the amazing peace we had. There is something incredibly wonderful about seeing someone who was suffering so terribly for so long, peacefully walk from this world into the next.
Several things have happened in this process.
First of all, I have never felt such a clear shift from one season to the next as I did that very moment. It was as real as if I had seen a hand move to the page of my life and turn it, writing the title of the next chapter on the blank sheet in front of me. I knew we were facing something brand new and nothing would ever be the same. Not good, not bad just very, very different.
Second, there were scripture verses that came to life in ways I've never experienced. Ones I had memorized and quoted at different times all my life that became more real than ever. "The peace of God that passes understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus"... That scripture became like a blanket wrapped around us.
Third there was a sweet sense of peace because the LORD walked with us so closely. As the battle for Dad's health began intensifying I told the LORD, no matter how this battle ends, I don't want to have any regrets. So I made some intentional decisions in that season that kept me constantly living in the moment, pressing in for healing for my Dad. When it was all said and done I was able to say with intense peace that I have no regrets because we lived everyday in relationship with the LORD.
Heaven is more real to me now than ever before. I can't explain it. I just know I want to go, when it's time and I want to take as many people with me as I can. I find myself thinking of things that were foremost in my mind a day or two ago have now moved off the front burner and been replaced by things that didn't occupy more than a passing thought before.
We are on a journey. One that has just begun. It's thrilling, uncertain, overwhelming, but ends in the best possible way if we choose to do it right. Everything has been flipped and turned and scattered and rearranged and it is the sweetest chaos I've ever experienced.
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