Please.... fence me in!

My house has a really nice fence, but only in the backyard. It's tall and sturdy and keeps us from curious neighbors and stray dogs. I love my fence.

My front yard, however, lacks a fence.... it also lacks grass in large patches, but that is mostly because there is no fence. You see the neighbor kids love our yard because it's a great place to play football, so they've worn down the grass. There are days where I will drive around and drool over beautiful homes with sweet little fences that clearly mark their boundaries and admire their luscious grass and sigh....

I love fences.

We used to live in a neighborhood that had common grounds throughout. No fences, anywhere. It caused a beautiful open feel to the neighborhood and really nice people came through once a week to mow our lawn. It had it's perks, but if you wanted to grow a garden you were basically out of luck unless you got your own planters. Telling our kids to go play in the yard got tricky too. Where the boundary lines began and ended were totally obscure and up for debate. On good days it was strange on bad days it was troublesome, especially if your neighbor didn't want your kids playing in their yard.

I heard of an experiment done a while back on elementary aged children. They sent the children out to play on a playground without a fence and no clear boundary lines, the outcome was very interesting. The children tended to congregate toward the school or in the center of the playground. Very few wanted to wander to the edges.

Fences mark safety.

In ancient times when our ancestors were establishing a new land they would mark their land with stones. Deuteronomy even lays out the punishment if someone were to move a boundary stone. The use of the singular in this scripture causes me to think that it was nothing more than four stones marking the four corners of ones property. In times of peace I'm sure that was all that was needed. As time went on however the people began inhabiting lands that were in the midst of their enemies and so their simple boundary stones became insufficient in keeping them safe. The stones became high, thick walls with barred gates that were virtually impenetrable. Whole cities were surrounded by these walls and they were very effective in keeping the inhabitants safe.

All of us have boundary stones around our lives. Every single relationship you have has a boundary. Some boundaries are simply stones that mark your comfort zone. Those you love the most and are closest to you know those stones well and will respect them and love you within those boundaries.

There are other relationships that require a fence.

Some fences are short and you can see over the top of them and have a decent conversation around them. They don't keep out prying eyes, but they do require a little more effort to cross.

Then there is the tall fence you can't see over with a locking gate. One can only gain access by asking the other to unlock the gate from the inside. These fences are more common and I think most of us have these fences around most of our relationships.

Then there is the wall. The high, thick wall with barbed wire and armed guards. These are also necessary. Hopefully not as common.

Each relationship will have a constant re-evaluation of it's boundaries. Some may require a smaller fence as time goes on. Unfortunately the opposite is true as well.

Now if you are a healthy person you take good care of your boundary markers. You foster  your relationships and are clear about where your boundaries are and where they are not. But many times our boundaries fall into disrepair and it becomes very unclear to others as well as ourselves where our boundaries are. When this happens we feel very out of control and quite easily overwhelmed. No one knows where your boundaries are so they may accidentally step over the line or stub their toe on a hidden marker and cause distress to the relationship unintentionally.

Learning about healthy boundaries requires clear communication.... sometimes.

I'm teaching my three year old about creating her own healthy boundaries. There are two elements to this task with kids. Understanding that they need proper instruction as to what a healthy boundary even is is key, but letting them express those boundaries in an individual and healthy way is such an important element in raising healthy, creative, thinking individuals.

Grace has a very clear "I do it myself" boundary.  Something neither of my boys had. I cherish this about her. Today her "I do it myself" attitude came out with her princess dress on backwards. I had to decide if I would cross that boundary line and "fix" it or let her sweet independence shine through and protect our relationship enough to let it be. I decided on the latter. I want her to know I care more about the fact that she did it herself than I do about looking like the most together mom. After informing her that it was backwards and her shoes were on the wrong feet she politely told me she was ok with that... I got to be ok with that too.

There is another element to boundaries. Psalm 16 says "Your boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places"... this indicates that the LORD marks our boundary lines for us too. Children have to be taught where the boundaries are. If they aren't taught they will make unclear, irrational, and unhealthy boundaries. We've all seen that way too often. Many parents fall victim to the lie that clear boundaries for our kids creates clone like children and in order to foster their "free spirit" we need to just let them come up with all their own boundaries, eventually.... the illustration of the fenced playground is a clear picture of how unprotected that makes kids feel.

The balance between teaching clear boundaries and letting them figure it out is such a sweet part of the parent / child relationship. Just as our Heavenly Father marks some things very clearly and others he lets us figure out... what better teacher is trial and error.

There are parts of me that wishes He would lay out every decision I have to make and just tell me what to do everytime. He graciously says "I don't know what do you think you should do?" After I freak out and express my fear of making the wrong decision I realize as a loving Heavenly Father he is letting me  grow up and I have to trust his silence as much as his instruction.

Sometimes wisdom is loud and clear.... Sometimes it is quietly watching in anticipation as we take a step of faith and trust the silent, watchful eye of our loving Father.